Informant38

"So, Ivan Ubiquovich, congratulations on surviving two years under the security regime here at Punish.Net. Have a federally subsidized tobacco cigarette."

Ivan lights his cigarette with an ID-tagged, globally-positioned, wi-fi desk lighter.

"Ivan, I hope you've learned your lesson about smoking that terrorist-subsidized Zapatista marijuana."

"Mr. Parole Officer sir, as I told the martial law court, I never actually inhaled that marijuana. I was just standing next to a Dutch guy. That was my big mistake."

"Ivan, the Comprehensive Homeland Security Act made it a federal crime to possess even airborne molecules of marijuana. Our air-sampling drug detection chips can sniff out marijuana fumes, coast to coast. So we're finally rooting out narcoterrorism where it lives: where the American people themselves really enjoy it. Another cigarette?"

"No thanks, sir. I've got that blood test to pass."