Informant38

{well, I responded to some 'Oulipo' invitation at Caterina.net, and felt ok about that. I mean I did ok I thought. that lasted about a day, then bellona times has a piece essentially calling anyone who'd waste their time on nonsense like that at a time like this a capitalist running dog.
I like that bellona times. I like Caterina. it's like a divorce. I'm infantilized. I think I'll start smoking again.
then somewhere in here I read the 'war' will begin in about 8-10 days. what I'm looking at isn't war. it's the end of the world. jewish self-hatred and self-destruction carrying the whole race down with it. but who knows. I had this predictive whisper in my ear the other day "you'll die in a coma". well that could explain the lack of anything real clearly delineated in the last part of most of those visions of my life .
still the bitterness and disgust won't go away. if anything they increase, though there seems to be something else. I'm thinking of time more and more as a sideways movement. x axis on an x-y graph. y being upward progress from nothing into being, instead of horizontal, linear start and stop. but who knows.
so then there's this courageous and noble letter of resignation from John Brady Kiesling, pretty much the only noble words from a federal employee in the mass media.
and then the powers of ten.
so many common public artifacts now are feeling like parts in an artificial simulacrum of enlightenment, as though some freak demon thing could monitor the progress of the truly rising and then mimic it, for the preterite, with that sarcastic finality of someone who says, dripping with ironic false sincerity, "I'm so sorry."
meaning she's not, meaning here's what you really want, meaning you can't ever have it.
but the powers of ten is redemptive in a true and human way, and if that means I'm little, if it means my engagement with the things of the world is immature and weak, so be it.
I love it. and I've got about as much political theory running right now as I do long-range financial plans. which is to say no. I'm mostly trying to remember to breathe, while I can.}